Healing.

Well she read the blog. She actually read it. A part of me thought the text would get ignored. I thought she had already gotten completely over me…that she never hurt when she heard someone say my name…the way I did when I heard hers.

But she DID read it. And…she sent me a text! I’m seriously laying here crying because I’m so happy. She still cares about me. She thought about me. She’s familiar but different in some ways (her favorite color is now blue in all different shades). The best part is that the conversation is calm…i feel at ease.

I have a problem with always wanting to be right. The right side of any argument. But I’ve learned that no one is ever completely right. I was right on some things…but on others, I was so so wrong. And ending a 16 year friendship only so I could feel ‘right’ was wrong.

I went to church the other Sunday with my grandparents. Before the service I prayed that God would help me find my special meaning in the message that day. It was about recognizing your ‘dark side’. We are not perfect, each of us has several things that make us sinners. That’s how I figured this all out. I needed to forgive…I needed to be forgiven. I needed to stop holding things against me. I needed to stop judging people who sin differently then me. What better place to make a change than my best friend?

I love you, and I’ll never stop feeling sorry for what I did.

I Miss Her.

I told myself I would NEVER say that. And I haven’t yet…at least not out loud. After all, I was right and she was wrong. She treated me like dirt. Changed her whole personality and morals over night. She hurt me. Who is she? She was my best friend…basically my sister. She was my other half. She was so many things. So many things that the void of her absence can’t be filled. I have tried so many things. I have my boyfriend…my sorority sisters…my friends…family. There is still a void. So yeah, I miss her. Why is this all so different? Why all of a sudden do I have this missing piece in my life? We used to brag that we were the best friends ever…part of the reason we believed that was because we never fought. So one fight ruined everything? Just one? It took awhile but suddenly I am seeing the huge fault and ridiculousness in this. We never fought for 16 years..so it only makes sense that when we did fight that EVERYTHING would blow up. All the pressure that had kept building and building…it had to go somewhere. I am so hard headed that I fully believed I was in the right and I shouldn’t back down. And even now as I rethink everything I still believe I was right. But what exactly did I get for being right? What did I win? It turns out the prize was emptiness…the constant search to find something or someone to fill the void. Nothing does. I miss her. I think about all the major life events that are coming quickly down the road toward me…engagement…my wedding…obtaining my degrees…my first real ‘big girl job’…my first house…the birth of my children. I picture these things happening without her…and her life events happening without me. It feels..wrong. Like we have damned the universe some how by causing all this ruckus. When ever I think of her…I wonder if she ever thinks of me. I wonder if shes happy. She changed so quickly…I wonder if she is still obsessed with Glee…I wonder if her favorite color is still pink..I wonder if she still loves Twilight….I have so many questions. But first…if you are reading this Ashley….I love you. I miss you. I still care, always will. I’m not going to beg you to come back… however, I would like to say that If I was right, I don’t want to be. I would rather be wrong and still have you as some weird fragment in my life. You hurt me, and I know I hurt you right back. But…we were basically sisters, and that’s what sisters do. They fight, they make up, they move on. I can’t keep living like this always wondering. What’s the point in winning if…you lose more than you gain. The biggest fault was that I didn’t try seeing it through your eyes. I didn’t want to for what ever reason. I was so angry at you for turning the tables. It all happened so fast…but now I know. I understand if it’s too late but I see it now. You were starving for attention and love. You never got it growing up while I had an abundance of it. I was selfish…I took you for granted. I never should have done that Ashley. I am so so sorry. I’m sorry that you grew up with so little love and attention while I was bathing in it…I’m sorry I left you when you needed me the most…I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you….I’m sorry for every time I made fun of your Glee obsession…I’m sorry for not being supportive. I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me. I hope you’ll talk to me. I just hope I cross your mind every once in awhile. If you don’t want anything to do with me…please please don’t try to forget about me. Because I figured out that you never do forget. It’s not quick like a band aide or breaking up with a bad boyfriend. Those things heal quickly. And if you try to forget? It hurts worse.

EEk! So much news!

Well, first and foremost….I GOT THE JOB! Thank God because I really needed it!

Secondly, my father, the bald man has started his own blog! You can follow him here: www.medevoreusa.wordpress.com

Thirdly, I have added two new books to my collection! (perk of working at a bookstore!)

The Registry

and

Code Name Verity

I am working on the Registry right now and it’s very interesting, it seems to be similar to the Matched Series. I have read Code Name Verity in the past and it is spectacular! Trust me you need to read it!

This is all I can think of at the moment my dears. I’ll probably blog again later!