My Love ❤️

I’m laying here wide awake. It’s about 7:30 in the morning…everyday this past week I needed to be up early for work I couldn’t drag myself from bed, go figure. Skype is surprisingly still on, normally by now Hazelnut has turned it off by walking on the keys. And guess what? You’ve never looked so handsome to me. You’re wearing a long sleeved shirt, and sleep has pushed the sleeves up to your elbow. The material is pulled tight across your chest. Your face looks so peaceful and I wonder what you are dreaming about. I watch you sleep and my heart flutters. I can easily picture myself sliding in next to you under that manly comforter of yours. If I close my eyes…I can almost feel the warmth of your body so close to mine. We don’t have sex, we don’t need to. We get our high off just being together. I would use your chest as my pillow…maybe. Or I might kick you all night. I have no idea, but it doesn’t matter as long as I’m with you. I’m so In love with you Patrick. Given the chance, I still would never change a thing about you. You’re the perfect man for me, my other half. My soul mate. You always treat me with kindness and respect. You empower me and praise me. You’re always there for me to fall back on. I’m in love. It doesn’t matter if everything else falls apart. We have this thing that is so strong it won’t fail us. I can’t wait till May, so I can finally hold you…kiss you…normal couple things. It’s going to be the most magical day of my life…in the most magical place on earth! I just love you so much baby. Sweet dreams,
xoxoxoxoxo
Your Baby Girl

Princesses under Attack

Currently in my college English class we are discussing a topic that REALLY bugs me.

We have been asked to write a paper discussing the Disney Princesses through feminists eyes.

I have a problem with this. My Professor is pressing the idea that the princesses are anti feminists and therefore bad role models for young girls.

It is admirable that as a male he is interested in the topic of role models for girls. I am happy that he wants to be part of a solution…but blaming it on the Princess industry is wrong.

There are all kinds of arguments about the princesses, the early one in particular.

For instance…the first three Princesses: Snow White, Cinderella, and Aurora; are charges with lack of adventure.

Ariel, my personal favorite, is charged with a long list of offenses…her slim waist, changing her body, and falling in love.

Belle from Beauty and the Beast promotes abuse.

Jasmine teachers girls that lying is OK, oh and don’t forget she has a pet tiger.

The newer princesses are commended due to their free spirits.

Mulan, saves china…but she did it by cross dressing

Tiana, first princess to have a job…is a workaholic

Rapunzel…runs away from home…kinda

Anna and Elsa? They aren’t perfect either. Anna tries to marry a man she just met and Elsa lets fear run her life.

Yes they are imperfect. Does that make them bad role models? NO. Because guess what…the little girl in your life is also imperfect. She will make mistakes and do crazy things that will make you shake her head. That is not a princess problem..it’s a part of life.

These Princesses can bring so much to the table.

Snow White, the original princesses, often called the purist princess, is often the most criticized. She’s harmful to young girls because she waits for Prince Charming to find her. She has no adventure. Guess what? I am 20 years old, a full time student, with two jobs. I don’t have time for adventure either! Trust me I didn’t learn that from watching Snow White as a tot. What did Snow White teach me? Humility, selflessness, love for animals, kindness. Are those horrible things for our daughters to learn?

Cinderella? She was a victim of abuse, much like many kids today. However, through it all she never loses her hope and gentleness. She went to the ball and fell in love. Some say it’s irrational for her to have fallen in love in one night…but is it? No. It is not dangerous for girls to believe in love at first sight. Some say she only loved him because he was the Prince…but if you watch the movie…she had no idea she was dancing with the Prince!

Aurora, sleeping beauty, sadly she sleeps through most of the movie. However, from what we do see of her, she is sweet and kind. She believes in love. She knows someday that love will find her, and she will be OK until it happens.

Ariel…oh sweet princess of the sea who is blamed for so much. Ariel knew she didn’t belong under the sea…LONG before she met Prince Eric. When we first meet her, she’s exploring boats and trying to learn as much about humans as she can! She is passionate about it and has a love of learning. When she meets Eric, I don’t believe she really loved him as much as she thought…She was in love of the idea of being a human. Eric was just an added bonus. She tells her father, King Triton, that she loves him…but I think she was being a typical teenager. She gives up her voice for legs, she makes the choice to be human and leave her home. Guess what? Hopefully at some point ALL children leave their parents home to lead their own lives. She makes this choice because she never quite fit in under the sea. I believe she makes the choice out of good faith that everything will work out. She goes out with Eric and I think that is when she actually falls in love with him. They fight for each other, and eventually they get married. Ariel is strong, passionate, and sure of herself. As for her slim waist…she SWIMS EVERY WHERE SHE GOES FOR 16 YEARS!

Belle…She loves a beast because she sees the man she believe he could be. She knows he is scared of being hurt, so she works with him to be the man she knows he can be. She is able to look past the disabilities and deformities. To her, looks don’t matter…it is the heart that matters.

Jasmine, She is the feminist Princess. She proclaims herself as not being a prize to be won. She wants to marry for love. She doesn’t think she is any less of a woman if she doesn’t get married before her next birthday. In the end she picks a common street rat for his heart of gold.

Mulan…SHE SAVED HER FATHER, HER FELLOW TROOPS, THE EMPEROR, SHANG, and oh yeah…ALL OF CHINA! She’s a warrior and takes action.

Tiana…has a dream and works hard to achieve it.

Rapunzel, is good and kind…but she has a dream. She goes on an adventure to make her dreams come true.

Anna and Elsa, of course prove the true love doesn’t always have to be true loves kiss between lovers…it can be actions between sisters.

So expalin to me how these princesses are bad for girls? I have always believed that I AM a princess. Why? Because I possess all the qualities these Princesses taught me as a little girl. I am a dreamer, I am passionate, I am a good friend, I love animals (except opossums…those freak me out), I believe in true love, and most importantly…I believe in myself. How are those bad qualities? If we want to point out bad influences for little girls, point your finger at the media. Photo shop, air brushing, Miley Cyrus, Models, little girls being put on strict diets…lets point our fingers at the things that tell little girls that if they are not thin, they are ugly. If they are smart, they need to back off because science and math is a man’s game. The princesses are thin, I will agree with that…I was over weight as a child and I still am…but the Princesses NEVER made me feel bad about myself. I knew that my favorite princesses would love me just the way I was. What did make me feel bad was the little girls stores like Limited Too (now called Justice I believe), Aeropostale, and many other stores that didn’t carry clothes in my size. There was only one store I could shop at as a little girl, JC Penney…and their little girls plus section was notorious for carrying the ugliest clothes. Jeans with sequin butterflies up the legs and shirts with ugly styled fonts on them saying things like SMILE, PEACE, or any number of things. An other one of my friends had the same shopping experiences as children and we STILL talk about it.

I have always and will always love the Disney Princesses movies. They helped me become who I am today, and I am pretty proud of that person. I will always have pixie dust in my heart and a Tiara on my head. I am a princess, long may I reign!

Have you ever felt Home Sick?

I don’t mean that nervous feeling you get in the pit of your stomach your first night at girl scout camp.

Have you ever visited a place and just felt…comfortable. A place that feels like home. Safe, happy, or what ever makes home for you.

I have a couple places actually that make me feel that way.

1.Walt Disney World- I’m sure my other DA’s can agree, no place on earth is quite like WDW. Really, it is the perfect home. Everyone is happy, the food is great, and the magic in the air is palpable. I haven’t been to WDW in about ten years (far too long) but if I close my eyes and think about…It feels like just yesterday. I think that’s part of the magic of Disney, once you go, it stays with you. Sometimes when I feel home sick, I watch videos that people post on the various Facebook sites while on their vacation. Every time I see the castle light up, a parade, or a little girl meeting her favorite princess…I get the chills and the goosebumps. Even though I’m in my bed watching it on my laptop.

2. Rome, Italy- One of the most beautiful places on this Earth. The place, even if you’ve never been, is eerily familiar. I remember walking around the Colosseum and getting this over whelming feeling like I knew this place very well. Like I had been their hundreds of times. They say once you go to Rome, you’re heart will always find it’s way back. I hope they are right because I think about it everyday and can’t wait to go back.

3. Paris, France- The home of my ancestors. While I have deep American roots and I am a proud patriot for Old Glory, I still have a love for the home of my ancestors. My father’s side of the family were French, they traveled to America and became fur traders around Michigan…but I like to think I still have family lineage in France. Being their, I felt connected to them. The land is lovely, I couldn’t imagine what could possibly pushed them out of France…aside from the Monarchy (or I like to think, a grand need for adventure).

4. Indiana Beach- It’s a small amusement park with ride that look like the came straight from the 1950’s (some probably did). This was my summer time playground as a girl. Because its just over an hour away, we visited several times a year. I know every inch of the place. They make changes…but the place always stays the same. Even though it’s small and the rides are old and unthrilling…it’s still a chunk of my childhood, home.

5. Washington, DC- Our grand Nations Capitol…nothing swells you with love of country quite like seeing the grandeur of Washington DC. There is a restaurant, called America…if you eat their at night the capitol is all lite up and it’s astoundingly beautiful. The museums, the national treasures, the monuments…it’s all breath taking.

I think that pretty much sums it up! Do you have any place that makes you feel that way? Tell me about it in the comments or shoot me an email…or telegraph…or in smoke message…whatever!

Love ya!

You’re the One Who Can Fill the World with Sunshine!

Hey Mermaids, My posts have been pretty short lately. So I thought I would catch you up on life.

I am actually doing a lot better this semester! Thankfully that means my GPA will be back on track 🙂 I am also in the process of changing my major. I am currently a Psychology major but I am switching to Pre Law (History/Political Science and Society Law) while minoring in Psychology and Criminal Justice. Patrick and I are doing great 🙂 I just love him more than words could ever possibly describe. I am currently OBSESSED with Once Upon a Time (I’ll make a whole separate post about that). Yesterday my fish died…I am a little sad but the thing about fish is, you don’t touch them so you don’t bond with them. I think he had a broken heart after his other half died. On the flip side….Kali is getting older and I think she is dying….I can’t hardly think about it. My poor kitty 😦

Yesterday was my Dad’s birthday. Over the weekend we went out to eat and everything so that was nice. I bought all his gifts from his most favorite *sarcasm* place ever! The Dollar Tree! I think he got a kick out of that.

This past weekend was also my family reunion! I got to see my cousins from Michigan and Illinois, along with my cousins who live right here in Indiana! I love seeing them and spending time with them all.

My Cousin Luke is halfway through stage 3 of Kidney Failure…he is only 23. Whenever he reaches stage 4, he will have to start on dialysis… When he hits stage 5, his body will start shutting down. Our only solace is that Luke is such a good christian boy. He loves God, Church, his Family,and of course Ford Trucks. God has a special place from him in Heaven….but hopefully we can keep him longer. We also found out that my Grandpa has a tumor on the lower side of his pancreas, we haven’t found out yet if it is cancerous…I pray not.

And of course…I am still waiting to hear from Disney. Patrick says that I will get my email tomorrow at 4 pm…a girl can hope! I do imagine I will know either this week or the next.

I love you all!

For The First Time in Forever…I’m Getting What I’m Dreaming of!

So real quick, I am so excited to announce that I passed the initial Application for the Disney College Program! I am getting ready to take my Web Based Interview! I can’t even right now. I am so so so so happy! It may not be a huge deal since I still have my WBI AND (hopefully) my Phone Interview…but just knowing I made it through the first step to making my dreams come true is SUCH a big deal to me.

Happy Thoughts and Pixie Dust!

To the Girls with More Than One True Love

It was my first year in Jr. High. A new building, a fresh start. It was a smooth transition and I didn’t suffer through any of the stereotypical horror stories of middle school. I went to a small farm school, only 74 people in my graduating class. The ‘Jr. High School’ was the hallway that was just upstairs from the ‘High School’. I had known everyone since we were potty trained…but there was a new boy. His name was Austin. The pictures are different from my memory…I remember him as tall, jet black hair, dark chocolate eyes, and I’ll never forget the smell of his cologne. However, pictures dictate that he was of average height and a chubby face. He was a football player, but he was also in the Band (as was I). He played Tuba, I played Clarinet. I heard rumors that he liked me….that had never happened before. So I decided I needed to know more. Before I knew it…I was smitten.

More than smitten, I fell for him. Hard and so very fast. We sat next to each other and passed notes about how we were going to love each other forever. Typical Jr. High relationship. With being a typical Jr. High relationship, it was on again off again. He would leave and ‘date’ another girl…but he always came back. I always took him back. Something about the way he looked at me. I’ll never forget the first time I fell in love, it was magical and hurt like hell. We were the talk of the school for about two years…and then something happened our freshman year, we split and it never happened again between us. We talked and were friendly, but it was never the same.

Of course our relationship ended almost six years ago. Austin is now married to a girl I have known since Kindergarten. I am dating my soul mate Patrick. I wouldn’t trade Patrick for the world, he is my everything. Patrick knows the outline of my relationship with Austin. He doesn’t know everything, and I doubt he every will. I sincerely believe that a woman’s heart is an ocean of secrets…somethings I like to just keep for my self.

About two or three months ago, I had a dream about Austin. It was a very very vivid dream. Let me be frank by saying it was a sex dream. I woke up and just cried and cried. On one hand, I felt so very guilty. Like my brain had subconsciously cheated on Patrick. I was so scared he would be mad about it. But, on the other hand…it felt natural. I called my best friend and my dearest cousin in panic. I hadn’t seen nor talked to Austin in at least 5-6 months. Why would I be dreaming so vividly about him. My friends calmed me and said that it didn’t mean anything. To my relief Patrick felt the same way. 

Then two days ago I ran into Austin at WalMart….We smiled and waved at each other like civil people do. But it all felt so, fake.

I came to the startling revelation that maybe, people can have more than one true love. Maybe it’s possible to love more than one person. However, that’s not the case. I read an interesting article entitled ’16 things that prove you still love your Ex’ or something like that. I didn’t do anything on that list. I don’t stalk his Facebook. I don’t text or call him (I don’t even have his number), I don’t go to his favorite places hoping to see him (I don’t even know where his favorite places are). I am NOT in love with him. I don’t even love him. I am head over heels for Patrick. It’s totally different. I used to love Austin, maybe at one point I was even in love…but he wasn’t the one. So now I just hold a tiny part of him in my heart. I will always care about him, I will always feel some kind of connection to him. But, I don’t want him. I don’t want to be with him. Before I met Patrick I used to wonder what it would have been like if Austin and I had not broken up…but now? I don’t care about any of that. Patrick is the one.

Austin was my first kiss…and to this day, it’s the best kiss I have ever had. I just can’t wait till I meet Patrick, so then I can have an even better kiss, with the right person this time.

I Miss Her.

I told myself I would NEVER say that. And I haven’t yet…at least not out loud. After all, I was right and she was wrong. She treated me like dirt. Changed her whole personality and morals over night. She hurt me. Who is she? She was my best friend…basically my sister. She was my other half. She was so many things. So many things that the void of her absence can’t be filled. I have tried so many things. I have my boyfriend…my sorority sisters…my friends…family. There is still a void. So yeah, I miss her. Why is this all so different? Why all of a sudden do I have this missing piece in my life? We used to brag that we were the best friends ever…part of the reason we believed that was because we never fought. So one fight ruined everything? Just one? It took awhile but suddenly I am seeing the huge fault and ridiculousness in this. We never fought for 16 years..so it only makes sense that when we did fight that EVERYTHING would blow up. All the pressure that had kept building and building…it had to go somewhere. I am so hard headed that I fully believed I was in the right and I shouldn’t back down. And even now as I rethink everything I still believe I was right. But what exactly did I get for being right? What did I win? It turns out the prize was emptiness…the constant search to find something or someone to fill the void. Nothing does. I miss her. I think about all the major life events that are coming quickly down the road toward me…engagement…my wedding…obtaining my degrees…my first real ‘big girl job’…my first house…the birth of my children. I picture these things happening without her…and her life events happening without me. It feels..wrong. Like we have damned the universe some how by causing all this ruckus. When ever I think of her…I wonder if she ever thinks of me. I wonder if shes happy. She changed so quickly…I wonder if she is still obsessed with Glee…I wonder if her favorite color is still pink..I wonder if she still loves Twilight….I have so many questions. But first…if you are reading this Ashley….I love you. I miss you. I still care, always will. I’m not going to beg you to come back… however, I would like to say that If I was right, I don’t want to be. I would rather be wrong and still have you as some weird fragment in my life. You hurt me, and I know I hurt you right back. But…we were basically sisters, and that’s what sisters do. They fight, they make up, they move on. I can’t keep living like this always wondering. What’s the point in winning if…you lose more than you gain. The biggest fault was that I didn’t try seeing it through your eyes. I didn’t want to for what ever reason. I was so angry at you for turning the tables. It all happened so fast…but now I know. I understand if it’s too late but I see it now. You were starving for attention and love. You never got it growing up while I had an abundance of it. I was selfish…I took you for granted. I never should have done that Ashley. I am so so sorry. I’m sorry that you grew up with so little love and attention while I was bathing in it…I’m sorry I left you when you needed me the most…I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you….I’m sorry for every time I made fun of your Glee obsession…I’m sorry for not being supportive. I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me. I hope you’ll talk to me. I just hope I cross your mind every once in awhile. If you don’t want anything to do with me…please please don’t try to forget about me. Because I figured out that you never do forget. It’s not quick like a band aide or breaking up with a bad boyfriend. Those things heal quickly. And if you try to forget? It hurts worse.

I Don’t Feel Beautiful Tonight….

It’s 11:12 pm, August 9, 2014. I had a good day…woke up and ate a some what healthy breakfast, a small apple and some peanut butter. Took a shower, wore a cute outfit that I felt confident in…I even came to my grandma’s house and had her world famous Tacos (ok maybe not WORLD famous, but you get the idea).

However….it some ways it was a pretty bad day. Not the worst I’ve ever had but still…kinda bad. Today was my boyfriends birthday. I didn’t get to see him…i talked to him on the phone a couple times, but its not the same. At my grandma’s house today, my two cousins and their boyfriends were there. It’s so hard seeing them together…and just wishing hoping praying…anything that I could have 1 minute with Patrick. Of course the younger one teases me about my relationship. Rubs it in that her boyfriend can tag around with her anywhere…today she was teasing me about our age differences…(I don’t think my being 4 years younger is bad).

Needles to say…for what ever reason…I don’t feel beautiful. I look in the mirror and I see…a blob. When I feel this way my first thought is to call Patrick, but he is currently at the movies. I know that sounds pathetic and weak that I need a man to solidify for me that I am beautiful…but I do. I love him so much and when I feel this way I imagine he could do so much better than me.

I am 5 foot 1 inch…roughly 190 pounds. I’m huge. My tummy is round…my arms are big…my thighs touch. I’m the exact opposite of beautiful….if I compare myself to societies image; and why should I?

When Patrick and I started out, he knew I had body issues. He knew I was embarrassed. He knew sometimes I hated myself for the way I look. One night in particular…I had eaten dinner and later I deemed it too unhealthy…hence the reason I was fat, ugly, and useless…so I purged. I cried after and Patrick told me something…”You may not be societies ‘Hot Babe’ but you are a Renaissance Goddess.” 

I think about that when ever I feel down. He’s right. I was created beautifully by God the Creator. He designed me flawlessly and loves me. I deserve to be loved, worshiped, cherished, and respected. Patrick does all of that. My family and friends do that. My sisters do that. I don’t want to be societies ‘Hot Babe’. I would rather not be looked at at all than be looked at as a sex toy to be used.

Now after reflecting on all this…I feel beautiful again. I think about all the wonderful things about me. I am petite and cute, I have wide hips (perfect for giving my husband the babies we want to have someday). I have naturally straight hair and bright green eyes. Patrick often comments on my ‘Cute Button Nose’. My tummy is soft and perfect for cuddling and hey…since my thighs touch I am one step closer to being a mermaid! I also have cute little feet which makes it easy for shoe shopping! But above my physical features…I am really good at History. I am an excellent reader and I have always out shown my peers in my reading abilities. I understand empathy and how others act. I am kind, and respectful. I also don’t take crap from anyone. I am strong, and a hard worker. I have a love of learning and finding new ways to understand. 

So why don’t I feel beautiful? There is lots of things I could say…the media, peer pressure, guilt..etc. But really, I don’t have a straight answer. I have a monster in my head that whispers horrible things to me. He likes to comment about my weight and how awful I am at math…all of my failures and hopes I might as well give up.

In the end, I am weak. I listen and fall every time. Thankfully Patrick understand and reminds me of how beautiful he thinks I am. He thinks I am gorgeous, beautiful, and sexy. I can’t think him enough.

I am not going to give up. I want to live healthier, and loose some weight. However…I will NOT force myself to be some size 2. Then I think I really would hate myself.

To Patrick,

My darling, today is our one year anniversary. To other couples, its not such a huge deal…but for us? Look at how strong we are! I don’t care if people read this and think I am crazy…because to be honest I AM crazy! I am crazy about your laugh, your eyes, your voice, how you treat me, the way you look at me!

My name is Brittany and the love of my life lives 900 miles away from me. We’ve never physically met. We Skype or FaceTime at least once about everyday. He treats me like a princess. When I hear his voice I get butterflies. He makes me feel, beautiful…and smart. He has stood by me and all the hard times. When I started college and was a nervous wreck, when my best friend turned her back on me, when I decided to get a second job, when I wanted to join my sorority…he was there. Always there cheering me on. Just the other day, I got a bad phone call from my mom…people, Adults actually, were talking about me trying to make me look bad…I called him crying because I was so mad and hurt. Do you know what he said? He said Brittany I am here to support you. What those people did wasn’t right. But baby, keep your chin up. Those words made it all ok. A few days before that I was laying in bed talking to him and I started thinking about my grandparents who passed a few years back. I lost it. I cried and cried. Did he get upset or angry toward me? Absolutely not. He comforted me, let me get it all out. Shortly after we started talking I knew I would have to tell my parents about him because the more I got to know him, the more I just knew. We had some thing special. So one day I was driving with my dad, working up the courage to tell him…and a car passed in front of me. The licence plate read, ‘Patrick’. That’s when I knew that this was very special.

 

I love you so much Patrick. You’re my best friend, my rock, my boyfriend…my life. I can’t imagine living a single day of my life of my life without being able to call you mine. When I was little, I LOVED The Little Mermaid (and I still do) but I always dreamed of meeting my prince charming. Someone who would love me for me, someone smart, caring, and brave. I never knew that my love story would be just like my favorite Princess’s. Ariel loved Eric, someone from a different world. Eric’s kingdom wanted to see him happily settled down. Ariel’s family doesn’t understand how she could love some one so different…not even the same species! But eventually, everyone understands that they belong together. I live very far from you, but I am fin over head in love with you. Your family wants to see you settle down with a girl who at least lives in your state! My family still thinks I am crazy for being in a relationship with so many miles between us. And like Ariel…I would do anything for just three days with you. Even give my voice to a wicked sea witch. I know someday….we will have an ending just like Ariel and Eric’s. A wedding with all our family and friends. How do I know this? Because last week I asked you where you wanted us to be in 5 years. You said that you wanted us to be together forever…and that you wanted to hear the sound of little feet…watch our daughter jump into bed with us and we will cuddle her. To me, there is no better response. It may not happen like that exactly but, at least I know you want the same things I do.

This has by far been the best year of my life. I love you more than the distance from here till the end of the universe. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have a man like you. EVERY girl deserves to date a Patrick…someone who puts her best interests first. You are so much like my dad. The man who loved me first…gave me my love of reading, tried to teach me how to ride a bike, we even eat spaghetti the same way. He has always been a great father and husband to my mom. He always provides for us…and I am lucky to find someone who treats me the way he treats my mom. And… if you’re half the father to our children as my dad has been for me? You’ll be an outstanding father. I am so blessed.

I love you

I love you

I love you

 

 

Wedding Bells soon?