It was my first year in Jr. High. A new building, a fresh start. It was a smooth transition and I didn’t suffer through any of the stereotypical horror stories of middle school. I went to a small farm school, only 74 people in my graduating class. The ‘Jr. High School’ was the hallway that was just upstairs from the ‘High School’. I had known everyone since we were potty trained…but there was a new boy. His name was Austin. The pictures are different from my memory…I remember him as tall, jet black hair, dark chocolate eyes, and I’ll never forget the smell of his cologne. However, pictures dictate that he was of average height and a chubby face. He was a football player, but he was also in the Band (as was I). He played Tuba, I played Clarinet. I heard rumors that he liked me….that had never happened before. So I decided I needed to know more. Before I knew it…I was smitten.
More than smitten, I fell for him. Hard and so very fast. We sat next to each other and passed notes about how we were going to love each other forever. Typical Jr. High relationship. With being a typical Jr. High relationship, it was on again off again. He would leave and ‘date’ another girl…but he always came back. I always took him back. Something about the way he looked at me. I’ll never forget the first time I fell in love, it was magical and hurt like hell. We were the talk of the school for about two years…and then something happened our freshman year, we split and it never happened again between us. We talked and were friendly, but it was never the same.
Of course our relationship ended almost six years ago. Austin is now married to a girl I have known since Kindergarten. I am dating my soul mate Patrick. I wouldn’t trade Patrick for the world, he is my everything. Patrick knows the outline of my relationship with Austin. He doesn’t know everything, and I doubt he every will. I sincerely believe that a woman’s heart is an ocean of secrets…somethings I like to just keep for my self.
About two or three months ago, I had a dream about Austin. It was a very very vivid dream. Let me be frank by saying it was a sex dream. I woke up and just cried and cried. On one hand, I felt so very guilty. Like my brain had subconsciously cheated on Patrick. I was so scared he would be mad about it. But, on the other hand…it felt natural. I called my best friend and my dearest cousin in panic. I hadn’t seen nor talked to Austin in at least 5-6 months. Why would I be dreaming so vividly about him. My friends calmed me and said that it didn’t mean anything. To my relief Patrick felt the same way.
Then two days ago I ran into Austin at WalMart….We smiled and waved at each other like civil people do. But it all felt so, fake.
I came to the startling revelation that maybe, people can have more than one true love. Maybe it’s possible to love more than one person. However, that’s not the case. I read an interesting article entitled ’16 things that prove you still love your Ex’ or something like that. I didn’t do anything on that list. I don’t stalk his Facebook. I don’t text or call him (I don’t even have his number), I don’t go to his favorite places hoping to see him (I don’t even know where his favorite places are). I am NOT in love with him. I don’t even love him. I am head over heels for Patrick. It’s totally different. I used to love Austin, maybe at one point I was even in love…but he wasn’t the one. So now I just hold a tiny part of him in my heart. I will always care about him, I will always feel some kind of connection to him. But, I don’t want him. I don’t want to be with him. Before I met Patrick I used to wonder what it would have been like if Austin and I had not broken up…but now? I don’t care about any of that. Patrick is the one.
Austin was my first kiss…and to this day, it’s the best kiss I have ever had. I just can’t wait till I meet Patrick, so then I can have an even better kiss, with the right person this time.
Whozits & Whatzits 