It’s 11:12 pm, August 9, 2014. I had a good day…woke up and ate a some what healthy breakfast, a small apple and some peanut butter. Took a shower, wore a cute outfit that I felt confident in…I even came to my grandma’s house and had her world famous Tacos (ok maybe not WORLD famous, but you get the idea).
However….it some ways it was a pretty bad day. Not the worst I’ve ever had but still…kinda bad. Today was my boyfriends birthday. I didn’t get to see him…i talked to him on the phone a couple times, but its not the same. At my grandma’s house today, my two cousins and their boyfriends were there. It’s so hard seeing them together…and just wishing hoping praying…anything that I could have 1 minute with Patrick. Of course the younger one teases me about my relationship. Rubs it in that her boyfriend can tag around with her anywhere…today she was teasing me about our age differences…(I don’t think my being 4 years younger is bad).
Needles to say…for what ever reason…I don’t feel beautiful. I look in the mirror and I see…a blob. When I feel this way my first thought is to call Patrick, but he is currently at the movies. I know that sounds pathetic and weak that I need a man to solidify for me that I am beautiful…but I do. I love him so much and when I feel this way I imagine he could do so much better than me.
I am 5 foot 1 inch…roughly 190 pounds. I’m huge. My tummy is round…my arms are big…my thighs touch. I’m the exact opposite of beautiful….if I compare myself to societies image; and why should I?
When Patrick and I started out, he knew I had body issues. He knew I was embarrassed. He knew sometimes I hated myself for the way I look. One night in particular…I had eaten dinner and later I deemed it too unhealthy…hence the reason I was fat, ugly, and useless…so I purged. I cried after and Patrick told me something…”You may not be societies ‘Hot Babe’ but you are a Renaissance Goddess.”
I think about that when ever I feel down. He’s right. I was created beautifully by God the Creator. He designed me flawlessly and loves me. I deserve to be loved, worshiped, cherished, and respected. Patrick does all of that. My family and friends do that. My sisters do that. I don’t want to be societies ‘Hot Babe’. I would rather not be looked at at all than be looked at as a sex toy to be used.
Now after reflecting on all this…I feel beautiful again. I think about all the wonderful things about me. I am petite and cute, I have wide hips (perfect for giving my husband the babies we want to have someday). I have naturally straight hair and bright green eyes. Patrick often comments on my ‘Cute Button Nose’. My tummy is soft and perfect for cuddling and hey…since my thighs touch I am one step closer to being a mermaid! I also have cute little feet which makes it easy for shoe shopping! But above my physical features…I am really good at History. I am an excellent reader and I have always out shown my peers in my reading abilities. I understand empathy and how others act. I am kind, and respectful. I also don’t take crap from anyone. I am strong, and a hard worker. I have a love of learning and finding new ways to understand.
So why don’t I feel beautiful? There is lots of things I could say…the media, peer pressure, guilt..etc. But really, I don’t have a straight answer. I have a monster in my head that whispers horrible things to me. He likes to comment about my weight and how awful I am at math…all of my failures and hopes I might as well give up.
In the end, I am weak. I listen and fall every time. Thankfully Patrick understand and reminds me of how beautiful he thinks I am. He thinks I am gorgeous, beautiful, and sexy. I can’t think him enough.
I am not going to give up. I want to live healthier, and loose some weight. However…I will NOT force myself to be some size 2. Then I think I really would hate myself.
Whozits & Whatzits 